To Silence the Critics

There has been much ballyhooing about the lack of visual aids on this blog--questions regarding faces and the such. In an effort to stem the tide of surging rage, I present to you the following:


That's weef.

There. :)

Fear and Panic in the Air

Well . . . this is a new development. As you may or may not know, girls 1 and 2 were placed with us in foster care back in October. The 'forecast' for the birth mom was that she would probably lose the girls, though she could get everything done and get them back. She has 12 months to get stuff done. The whole process started last March, when the girls were taken from their home and placed in the care of DCFS. During that time, the birth mom has done pretty much nothing to get them back, other than attend the weekly visits and a few other things. There have been several classes that she had needed to attend in order to get her girls back. She has taken exactly none. Towards the end of February, DCFS said, "No more; your reunification services are terminated."

Reunification is always "plan A"; "plan B" is normally adoption, which weef and I early on indicated that we would indeed adopt them, if it came down to that. All this time, we've watched the birth mom do nothing. We've sat in the wings, patiently biding our time until such that the state says that adoption proceedings may begin. That also happened at the end of February.

Yesterday, weef talked to our case worker, who informed us that the birth mom started taking her classes last week. She said she was going to double up and get them done. Today is supposed to be the mediation hearing, to determine the level of contact after the adoption . . . which is now up in the air. Again.

I don't know . . . part of me knows that there's a very strong reason why I feel that she'll not follow through with these classes. Without going into any detail, it's a very solid reason, though now that I know she's actually trying to take classes, the same reasons for which I thought she could quit just might end up being her motivating factor.

I'm scared. There are no two ways about it. We've already adopted them in our hearts; waiting to dot the "i"s and cross the "t"s through the state is a mere formality to us, at this point. The worst part is knowing that all we can do is sit back and wait. It's terrifying. I just don't know what else we can do but sit around, cowering in stark terror at the prospect of losing these two girls, who aren't even really ours to lose, yet we've become so attached that losing them now would literally kill us.

The only source of comfort right now are blessings I've given weef and feelings we've received from prayers. That in and of itself is a massive relief.

I'm drained. I try to put on this massive bravado for weef so at least one of us isn't a sobbing wreck most of the time. I've felt since day 1 that these girls would be ours; that feeling now vacillates ever so slightly, but I think that's due to my lack of faith in what I've felt previously. Can the circumstances change? Sure. Would that warrant a change of feelings? I guess . . . but if that's the case, where's the faith? Someone has to be strong for our little family. That's not going to be weef. That's also not to say that she's weak, by any means. If anything, she's one of the strongest people I know. She's very emotional when it comes to these girls.

I just . . . I don't know. I want to know that this process is locked up and that we're going to have the chance to adopt them. We *need* that. After not having any kids of our own for 7+ years, then having this opportunity granted to us . . . it just seems cruel to rip them away from us.

BUT THEY'RE NOT OURS. That's the thing we keep trying to tell ourselves. If we do end up adopting them, our joy would be full and we will be the happiest couple alive. If it doesn't work out . . . I don't even want to think about that "what if". It's too scary.

Feeling Good

Today is Sunday. During the week, girls 1 and 2 adamantly insist upon watching "Curious George" or "Mickey's Playhouse" (hot dog, hot dog, hot diggety dog!) or "The Backyardigans." On Sundays, though, we discourage them from watching that which they would watch during the rest of the week. Problem: we didn't have a lot of "churchy" DVDs for them to feast upon. We had "Mr. Krueger's Christmas," and that's about it. Then we came across a copy of "The Testament." Girl 1 watched that a few times. Actually, she still watches it. She calls it "The Jesus Show," which, in my hedonistic mind, sounds kind of blasphemous (I'm picturing a variety hour show with some theme music, and at the top of the stairs . . . yah--you get the picture), but she can't say "Testament," so we let it slide.

ANYway, so then we picked up some "Junior's Giants" DVDs. These are sweet because they're actually entertaining on an adult level, but the girls eat them up. Girl 1 more than girl 2, but that's because girl 2 doesn't quite have an attention span yet. We're working on it.

Now we've reached the "pinnacle" of LDS kids' Sunday video watching experience--Animated Stories from the Book of Mormon. I say "pinnacle" with an ounce of tongue-in-cheek; I've always considered these videos to be sort of schlocky--a way for some company to capitalize off the Church. Then again, the same could be said of Deseret Books, Seagull, etc. But for some reason, these videos just never did it for me.

The other day, we ordered 3 of these LSI videos. Today, we're test driving the 3 DVDs we've gotten so far. At the end of disc 2, we've had nary a complaint from girl 1. She loves them! She watches so intently, and as soon as the credits start to roll, she yells, "Daddy! I wanna watch it again!"

There is definitely a different feeling in the house right now. You'd have to have been here the last couple of days. Weef and I have been grumpy, the girls have been sassy and disobedient (more than normal, even), and there's just been this not-so-good feeling. It's been rough. Even this morning, with daylight savings time skipping an hour, the girls getting to bed WAY past their bedtime last night and getting up even earlier than normal, and weef not getting the sleep she needs, we all woke up grumpy. Then we started the DVDs . . . and it all went away. The bad feelings, that is. It's been a nice, relaxing, quiet, peaceful morning.

It's a good day. :)

Cravings and Musings

So, here I am, all worky and stuff. Today is my 6th day with no caffeinated beverages. Those of you who know the pattern will recognize this as the day when I normally cave and start pounding the crap out of a 12-pack.

Today is different, though. I can't explain it. Yes, I'm dying. Yes, I want to imbibe the nectar of the Eden. I'm roiling in my desire for one can. But a can alone it would not be; oh no . . . it'd be like pulling my finger out of the crack in the dam that's nigh unto bursting. One can, and I'd be a goner.

Of course, all it would take is something resembling the headache I now endure to remind me of the pending agony that would surely unfold, should "the dam break."

New job, same company

Well, I'm no longer working where I did at this time 2 weeks ago. Odd story, the details of which I don't really want to get into here, but I can sum up everything pretty easily: I transferred positions. Kind of the same job--it's a technical writing position, but it's a completely different environment. With this position, I'll be documenting in-house technical website apps and useage. Sort of. Anyway, it's going to take a LONG time to get everything done that needs to be documented.

See, our web development team designs all kinds of little proprietary apps that run on this massive web site. None of these have been documented as to what they are, what they perform, where they reside on the site, who has responsibility for maintaining them, or ANYthing. My job is going to be to document all of that, plus any other mini-parts, drawing/diagrams, parts list maintenance, and a bunch of other things. It's going to be a long time before I'm even caught up. After that, it'll be a basic roll-out of everything else that comes down the pike. Should be interesting.

HOW I got to this position is a matter of great irritation. I'm glad to be here, but in no way did I appreciate or enjoy the methods used to get me over here.

What saddens me the most is the rumor mill that will churn out umpteen million ridiculous notions as to why I came over here. None of them matters; all that matters to me is who knows the truth. The rest can speculate until they die of a bleeding ulcer (and for some, that isn't too far a stretch, given their penchant for gossip-mongering).

Along with this move comes the sad news that I will no longer be able to visit my cousin and her family. All work-related trips are now in the hands of someone else. I don't know who, but I do know that I won't be taking any business trips for a very long time, and probably never to where my cousin lives. That sucks because I would have liked to have dinner with them just once out their way, but it is what it is.

Arg. Once again, I'm all unhappy with this whole ordeal. Again, I want to reiterate that I am glad to be where I am . . . it's the reason behind why that irritates me so much.

"I sleepy good!"

Well, this makes for the second night in a row that girl 2 has gotten up within 5 minutes of going to bed and announcing to her stunned foster parents that she has rested as much as she's going to, and she "sleepy good." Tonight, it was actually probably closer to 10 minutes after going to bed, but last night it took all of about 15 seconds. I know this because I anticipated the move and stood in the kitchen, which is in sight of her bedroom door. All of the sudden, in the dark and shadows, I could just barely make out her tiny sillhouette. I went tip-toeing down the hall as quietly as a 300+ pound guy can, and she ran out to meet me the rest of the way down the hall. "Daddy! I sleepy good!"

"Great! Do that about a thousand more times, then you can get up."

She didn't like that.

I knew I was a conservative, but geez . . .

62% Fred Thompson
58% Mike Huckabee
56% Mitt Romney
55% Tom Tancredo
55% John McCain
52% Rudy Giuliani
50% Joe Biden
49% Bill Richardson
47% Hillary Clinton
45% John Edwards
45% Barack Obama
40% Chris Dodd
34% Mike Gravel
34% Dennis Kucinich
32% Ron Paul

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