Music for the Masses

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Fear and Panic in the Air

Well . . . this is a new development. As you may or may not know, girls 1 and 2 were placed with us in foster care back in October. The 'forecast' for the birth mom was that she would probably lose the girls, though she could get everything done and get them back. She has 12 months to get stuff done. The whole process started last March, when the girls were taken from their home and placed in the care of DCFS. During that time, the birth mom has done pretty much nothing to get them back, other than attend the weekly visits and a few other things. There have been several classes that she had needed to attend in order to get her girls back. She has taken exactly none. Towards the end of February, DCFS said, "No more; your reunification services are terminated."

Reunification is always "plan A"; "plan B" is normally adoption, which weef and I early on indicated that we would indeed adopt them, if it came down to that. All this time, we've watched the birth mom do nothing. We've sat in the wings, patiently biding our time until such that the state says that adoption proceedings may begin. That also happened at the end of February.

Yesterday, weef talked to our case worker, who informed us that the birth mom started taking her classes last week. She said she was going to double up and get them done. Today is supposed to be the mediation hearing, to determine the level of contact after the adoption . . . which is now up in the air. Again.

I don't know . . . part of me knows that there's a very strong reason why I feel that she'll not follow through with these classes. Without going into any detail, it's a very solid reason, though now that I know she's actually trying to take classes, the same reasons for which I thought she could quit just might end up being her motivating factor.

I'm scared. There are no two ways about it. We've already adopted them in our hearts; waiting to dot the "i"s and cross the "t"s through the state is a mere formality to us, at this point. The worst part is knowing that all we can do is sit back and wait. It's terrifying. I just don't know what else we can do but sit around, cowering in stark terror at the prospect of losing these two girls, who aren't even really ours to lose, yet we've become so attached that losing them now would literally kill us.

The only source of comfort right now are blessings I've given weef and feelings we've received from prayers. That in and of itself is a massive relief.

I'm drained. I try to put on this massive bravado for weef so at least one of us isn't a sobbing wreck most of the time. I've felt since day 1 that these girls would be ours; that feeling now vacillates ever so slightly, but I think that's due to my lack of faith in what I've felt previously. Can the circumstances change? Sure. Would that warrant a change of feelings? I guess . . . but if that's the case, where's the faith? Someone has to be strong for our little family. That's not going to be weef. That's also not to say that she's weak, by any means. If anything, she's one of the strongest people I know. She's very emotional when it comes to these girls.

I just . . . I don't know. I want to know that this process is locked up and that we're going to have the chance to adopt them. We *need* that. After not having any kids of our own for 7+ years, then having this opportunity granted to us . . . it just seems cruel to rip them away from us.

BUT THEY'RE NOT OURS. That's the thing we keep trying to tell ourselves. If we do end up adopting them, our joy would be full and we will be the happiest couple alive. If it doesn't work out . . . I don't even want to think about that "what if". It's too scary.


JLJ said...

I do not envy your situation at all. What a horrible feeling to be helpless against a system, especially knowing how much love and security you can give these girls. Hang onto your faith though; just remember that the Lord loves you both, he loves those girls and he loves their mom. I will be praying for you guys.

happy mom said...

I'm sorry I didn't read this earlier, so that I could have been there at the time, but you made it!